Hello all! Yes indeed it has been awhile. Fruitcakes do that sort of thing. We disappear. Vanish. Its not always pleasant, but its usually necessary. And so I am back, still cold from the earth and the twisted roots. But none the less summoned to sit at this keyboard and tell a tale.......... and so here goes..........Not so many months ago..... but what seems like eternity, shortly after I had gotten Eddie/ "the cuss" I discovered that in his younger day he must have been quite the hellun'. A real rebel yell. One night, in the dead of all slumber whilst leaving for work I let Eddie out to "do his business" . Inside I rushed about gathering the what nots for work and barely noticed Eddies incessant barking in the distance. As it came closer to leave, which I usually do in a mad rush, I headed for the laundry room to fetch my pants, dressed only in my tee shirt and "big girl" panties . A true vision of womanly delight. Well there are the proto type panties.... judge for yourself. I'm sure you'll agree.
Before I could locate my pants I realized that "the cuss" had lost his mind. Not only had he lost his mind, he had gone jihad. What little teeth he does have were bared in bloody glory. He was reliving a part of his youth. He had encountered a possum in "the shed". And I knew I had only so much time to retrieve Eddie , get my shit together , and hit the time clock. Fast as old lady lighting I torpedoed my way from the back door to the shed, dressed only in the aforementioned and flip flops. It was dark. Eddies barking was loud. And chronic. And interwoven in the sick tapestry of the moment I could hear an unnatural growl and hiss.
I had no flashlight. No light in the shed. Nada. Quickly I got my phone and called work. " I will be tardy" I reported, "as I am in some sort of twisted hell". Like something out of a John Waters movie gone wrong. Very wrong......... I called the police, no not 911.... but the local number. "Please help me" I pleaded, "theres a possum in my shed and one of my dogs is attacking it". "And what would you have us do" asked the dispatcher. "I don't know....... shoot the possum?" (how the hell would I know?) That night I was surely the "butt" end joke of the law enforcements donut break time . I can just hear it now. I don't know what came over me..... I guess I had watched one to many "Cops". Seriously , I just don't know.So... there I am...... alone in the night with a dog gone mad and a possum fighting for its life. Really some sick noises coming from the shed I tell ye'. So I run to my next door neighbors house, I bang on his bed room window. His name is Johnny. I didn't use his picture to "protect the innocent." There he was ..... dressed, and there was I. Not dressed.
"Git the hose" he tells me! "Git the hose and spray it into the shed!!!" And so I fetched the hose and turned the water on full blast, which was necessary because all I have is a hose with the end cut crudely off. Therefore having to position my thumb in just the right way to cause "a spray". And spray I did. Into the vast darkness of the shed I cut loose a vicious spray of water thoroughly saturating everything in site, and not. But to no avail. All I had done was soak the hell out of all the clothing and "stuff" and made two smelly creatures more smelly.
Johnny thought for awhile. Viola! Fast as old man lighting he runs into his house and out he comes with a ginormous flash light!!! He shines the light into the shed and there in the corner behind my daughters bike is the possum and Eddie/"cuss". Both are quite bloody. And I am in my tee shirt, flip flops, and "big girl" panties........
I don't know why but I recall thinking about the movie "Evil Dead" . Something about that moment. I was at a lose. What the hell?........ there were wet clothes everywhere! Shit was broken...... sick I tell you... sick!
"You're going to have to pin the possum down!" Johnny commanded! "Pin it down and I'll grab the dog!"............. well well, now ain't that somethin'? I'm going to have to pin the possum down. Its funny what goes through your mind in these situations. But I suppose in the aftermath of it all it only made sense. It was after all my dog, my shed, and Johnny's sleep time. And so with time progressing as it was I grabbed a curtain rod. I made my way through the shed...... Johnny behind me......... "pin it down!!!" he ordered! God I felt so bad for that possum......... seriously folks, I don't like possums but come on.... little fella', so ugly, so..... well... you know.....born with a bad rap. I seriously believe that people aim for these critters when they see them on the road.
Grain fed ? Whats up with that?! Huh?! Here in the south there are people that eat these things! Poor friggin' possums.......... sorry, sorry, I cant keep going on about it. jeez.
So anyway, with curtain rod in hand I close my eyes and spear the possum. OH MY GOD.
There simply are no words to describe this. But it didn't work. And so I spear him again. Only this time through the mouth. Straight through the mouth and into the shed wall. I'm screaming and gagging , the room is spinning out of control and in the midst of all this I'm wondering what poor Johnny is making of all this insane shit?
In an old mans lighting flash Johnny grabs the Cuss by the tail and flings him out into the night. We're both yelling and screaming and for a moment, well........... we're kinda like Scully and Mulder. Some weird twisted redneck x-files .
I drop the curtain rod and make my way out. Me and Johnny just look at each other. I cant recall how much time this took. But I can say that we, the dog, the possum, Johnny and myself... we all bonded that night. Johnny never mentioned my panties. Most likely he has blocked it from his mind..................
I didn't want to look in the shed the next day. I sent my daughter. To my surprise she came back with the news that the possum was gone. Nothing but water and broken glass was all that was left.
On my death bed.......when my life is flashing before my eyes this is one of the scenes I will relive. And you my faithful friends........ I do miss you. And so there you have it. Just another day in the life of me.
This is a very rough draft of a piece I'm doing I'm hooked on the zen doodle right now. And I do have much art news! But later for that.
I caught Huhbin' doing the nasty with Lupe' . Shocked doesn't even describe the emotions I felt. Nor the breaking of my heart. And so now I court another man............
Above is his best friend. Obnoxious type. Drinks too much. Hurls insults. Sexist pig. Probably couldn't get a hard on if you handed it to him. But none the less he's a constant at the house right now. And alas my new man!..........
Ain't he a honey!Nice to be back!
peace and love
Goodnight Wayne.
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